


I Cannot Lose Her

by MonicaRae



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 13:45:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4837451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonicaRae/pseuds/MonicaRae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Amy's words sink in, Sheldon realizes he would do anything to keep Amy. This begins at the finale of Season 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Cannot Lose Her

As Sheldon stared at the ring in his hand, he found himself lost as waves of uncertainty tossed his thoughts every which way. Drowning, he fastened onto the one thought that buffeted him again and again.  
“I cannot lose her.”  
***  
Sheldon returned the ring to its waiting place in his desk, and then took a deep breath.  
“Sheldon Cooper, your brain is remarkable, but deeply flawed in the subject of intimacy. Let’s use those homo novus genes to get to the bottom of this.”  
Sheldon was at once above himself, looking down at the imperfect, all-too-human man sitting with slouched shoulders, defeated. For once, he looked at himself not with pity, but with understanding. Understanding of the torment he had inflicted upon himself, and understanding of the larger picture. He spoke to the broken man before him, to the man in love.  
“Sheldon, loving Amy isn’t the problem. Fighting that love is what is holding you back. You know you don’t want to live without her; you have a ring and are going to marry her. If, that is, you can get over yourself and do what needs to be done. She is the one person in this world that was made specifically for you to love. She is your equal like no other woman could be. There is no one else who would have put up with your antics for five years and just love you more deeply. She doesn’t want to break up with you. She just doesn’t know how to be with you any longer. And how can you blame her? You reject her again and again. You are so consumed with desire for her that you refuse to acknowledge, try to deny, that you have translated her every attempt at intimacy into your own suppressed wants; and what’s more- you mocked her for it!”  
Sheldon’s head fell forward onto his arms, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he sobbed. He tried immediately to take a deep breath and compose himself, until-  
“No, you need to feel this. Feel what it’s like to have lost Amy Farrah Fowler.”  
With that, he gave up all attempts at composure. Leonard and Penny were in Vegas finally committing to each other for all time- at his behest! If there wasn’t more proof needed that he was, against all better judgment, turning into a hopeless romantic. The rest of the gang was with their own significant others, doing whatever the night brought. He was not with his love. He was not waiting for Amy to come over. He was not laughing with her, or conversing with her, or holding her, or kissing her. He was completely alone.  
The reality of that set in, and Sheldon sat up, squaring his shoulders.  
“This will just not do. Amy, you can’t evaluate anything. You don’t have all the facts.”  
He brought out the ring box, opened it again as if to borrow strength from its beauty and its meaning. He replaced the box and speed dialed Amy’s mobile.  
***  
Four rings… five…  
Sheldon knew the call was about to go to voicemail and found himself unprepared to leave a message. He hung up, took a deep breath.  
Called again.  
Amy answered on the first ring. “Sheldon, did you understand that my request for space included the unspoken respect of allowing me time without intrusions from you.”  
Sheldon hung his head. ‘I deserve this’, he thought.  
“I will take your silence for understanding. And did you also understand that calling not five minutes after said request would be one such intrusion?”  
‘That’s enough.’  
“Yes, Amy, I understand your expectations.” He paused, took a breath, and continued in a softer tone. “And I hope you understand that I would not be calling right now if I my reasons were not compelling. It is urgent that I speak to you before your period of evaluation. Come to my apartment. After tonight, I will give you as much time and space as you need.”  
Though the phone was silent, the moment was a cacophony of confusion. Sheldon could feel their lives balancing on a pin. He needed her to swing his way.  
“You said you need to reflect. To assure your introspection is complete, with all of the necessary data, there is something absolutely vital you must know.”  
***  
Amy looked at the face of her sweet baboo smiling at her from her phone, chastised herself for the momentary flip she felt within her abdomen whenever she saw those eyes.  
“Oh, Sheldon, this is just too hard,” she said to the smiling screen of her phone.  
She thought the call went to voicemail, until the phone came alive again.  
‘If I don’t answer this’, she thought with a sigh, ‘I will never have a moment’s peace.’  
“Sheldon, did you understand that my request for space included the unspoken respect of allowing me time without intrusions from you.”  
Silence. I think he’s listening.  
“I will take your silence for understanding. And did you also understand that calling not five minutes after said request would be one such intrusion?”  
“Yes, Amy, I understand your expectations,” he began. She could hear the hurt in his insolent tone, but there was something else, as well, as he continued, “and I hope you understand that I would not be calling right now if I my reasons were not compelling. It is urgent that I speak to you before your period of evaluation.”  
A slight pause as he swallows audibly. ‘What is that odd edge to his voice? Or is it just the connection?’  
“Come to my apartment. After tonight, I will give you as much time and space as you need.”  
There was a longer pause which Amy did not know how to fill. She was a study in ambiguity. Her mind said, “Don’t fall for this again! He wants to talk you into forgiving him for his callousness for the umpteenth time. Don’t do it! Nothing will change and you’ll just keep getting hurt.” Her heart needed to hear what he had to say. Her heart hated her for the anguish in his voice.  
“You said you need to reflect. To assure your introspection is complete, with all of the necessary data, there is something absolutely vital you must know.”  
She was unable to speak, to think clearly, until she heard his rough plea.  
“Amy- please. I know I don’t deserve this, don’t deserve you, but I’m begging you. Come to my apartment. Right now.”  
She sighed again. “Give me 20 minutes.”  
***  
The drive over was uneventful. Amy was numb. All the emotions of the past few days (years, her heart interrupted) had ravaged her until she was washed clean.  
‘Let him say his peace, he does deserve that,’ she thought. She should have known attempting to break off communication like that would drive him to freak-out mode. And he had said, over skype, that he had been thinking about relationships. Actually, it was rude to cut him off like that, to not even hear what he had to say. But she would not back down on the step back. She cannot keep on like they are. The constant rejection. His insinuation that she was a sex-crazed maniac unable to keep her mind off her animal desires every time she got near him.  
“Stop dwelling, Fowler. Stay clear, stay aware, and just listen to what he has to say. He did say he had vital information. And he seemed to have a grasp on the situation.”  
And, he begged. Doctor Sheldon Cooper had openly begged her. She knew what that meant, and was unable to deny him. God, she loved him so deeply and fully. Should she just keep being patient? He’s got to get over this block at some point in his life, right?  
She pulled into the parking space and continued to talk to the empty car. She was always so hopeful when it came to Sheldon. She couldn’t allow that hope to continue. It ended too often in heartbreak.  
“I really hope I didn’t just drive over here to hear how this is all my fault.”  
Could it be, though? He was kissing her so sweetly at their last date night. And not by the door, at the end of the evening, but on the couch! In his spot! Just for fun!  
As she ascended the three flights of stairs, she remembered back. His hand was on her thigh. Her thigh! His hand! And, while she had never felt his tongue against her own, she could have sworn his mouth had been opening wider, his breath coming a bit faster.  
Why had she broken away? To be romantic? To talk? What the hell is wrong with her? Of course he was flummoxed. He even said it, after he tried to resume kissing her (he tried to resume kissing her!)- that she had dampened the mood. Wait- he had been ‘in the mood’?  
She saw it all clearly. ‘Watching the Flash wasn’t a result of his distracted mind. It was a symbol of the commitment issues he was trying to work out. And he wanted to share that with me. Oh, god, did I overreact?’  
And there was his door. She was suddenly terrified of what he needed to say to her. Not even an hour ago she had decided she had to break up with him, and now she couldn’t even knock for fear that he was going to say he agrees with ending their relationship. Is that what he wants to do? Put her mind at ease, make her decision easier?  
She grasped for her former clarity, found a few scraps, squared her shoulders and knocked on his door.  
***  
Sheldon thought he was ready, but hearing her at his door knocked the breath from his body.  
She came. That’s all that mattered.  
He opened the door. As she entered the room, everything disappeared except Amy. A beige skirt coming just to her lovely knees (no tights! no tights!), her light blue cardigan covering a white button-down. Her hair was hanging free, her eyes on him, and oh, there were her lips, so close and far, and-  
She was speaking. Focus, Cooper.  
“-that you wanted to say to me, Sheldon?”  
Say? Talking? No talking.  
“I didn’t say I wanted to talk.”  
Confusion in her eyes. Oh, he did that. But- there it is. Hope?  
She’s shaking her head, trying to dispel that hope, giving in to the confusion and frustration. Look at what you’ve done to this poor woman.  
“Sheldon-”  
“No more talking,” he said in a husky whisper, reaching around her to close the door. Then his hands were in her hair, his lips found hers. One hand snaked behind her neck, deepening the kiss as his tongue finally tasted her sweet, perfect mouth. The other hand traveled down her shoulder, her arm, her waist, then came home to the small of her back. He took a few steps forward, guided her gently but forcefully to the door he had just closed, and pressed his entire body against hers.  
‘Oh, glory.’  
There were words he should say, about how he was ready, about how much he wanted this, wanted her, but he was so afraid to use them, afraid to mess everything up again. He remained steadfast. No more talking. Instead, he moaned.  
His desire, once surrendered to, was immediate and unmistakable. He could feel himself throbbing against her hip and, for some unfathomable reason, this just excited him more. And he was okay with that.  
‘What did I think could be so wrong in this?’ he wondered for the first of many times. He centered himself to her body and pushed his hips forward, grinding himself deliciously against her. Her mouth opened beneath his in a gasp as her body stiffened with a small spasm- of shock, desire, or both, he didn’t know. Then her hips moved forward, then back again, finding his rhythm until they were rocking together, kissing, touching.  
Feeling Amy respond to him like this, Sheldon felt the last of his fear blow apart like so much stardust. He needed to say one word. One word that couldn’t be misinterpreted. One word that would claim her forever.  
He pulled away from her lips, looked into her eyes and whispered, “bedroom”.  
Her eyes opened wide, she exhaled sharply, and nodded.  
***  
The first thing Amy noticed was his eyes. She had braced herself for haughtiness, exasperation, pleading, anger… She didn’t know what to think of this gaze that burned into her soul, steadfast and unwavering. He wasn’t speaking, wasn’t moving, just… staring at her. Smoldering? Was he angry?  
“Is there… I mean, there was something that you wanted to say to me, Sheldon?”  
The gaze somehow burned brighter as his eyes darkened, slightly hooded.  
“I didn’t say I wanted to talk.”  
‘What the hell, Sheldon?’ she thinks. ‘Have you finally lost his grip on reality? Wait, not talk…?’  
She shook her head- ‘No, not that. But something…’  
“Sheldon-”  
“No more talking,” he almost growled at her, and closed the door with a slam. She jumped, and then he was there- touching, kissing, moaning.  
‘Moaning! Sheldon is moaning in my mouth and there’s his tongue oh god yes wait I’m falling backward- no, he has me god he’s pressing up against me and IS THAT-?’  
She felt her body spasm as the first wave burst from her core and sent tiny ripples across her entire body. Sheldon adjusted himself so that he was centered on her hips and her own responded to his rhythmic movements. His tongue wasted no time being timid. He explored her mouth as if memorizing each tooth, each valley. And, knowing Sheldon, he probably was.  
Oh, this… this is what she needed, what she feared he couldn’t experience. It seems her fears were unfounded, because oh, he’s pulling back and those eyes-  
“Bedroom.”  
The breath left her body. His voice was a rough whisper, and left no room for debate.  
‘This is it, Amy Farrah Fowler. Are you ready? You better be, because I do believe Sheldon Cooper is.’  
She nodded.  
His eyes darkened to blue-black, and then he was leading her by the hand to his bedroom.  
‘I should remind him no girls are allowed in… No! I should NOT do that. I should keep my damn mouth shut. As far as talking, that is.’  
And they were over the threshold and he was turning on the light by his bed. She waited by the door, uncertain of her next move. He returned, stepped behind her, and shut the door with a soft clunk. She was suddenly unsure of everything. She had no clue what she was doing. This was all so new. She had been aroused by him, but had never felt it reciprocated, except maybe when his hand moved to land lightly upon her thigh. She had never allowed herself to dream that Sheldon could experience and share this overwhelming passion. Never in her wildest did she think he’d be looking at her as he was right now. And she had felt- it, him, against her, grinding against her. ‘Oh my! Am I going to see it? Will he let me touch it?’  
Amy backed up to the bed, her eyes never leaving his. For every step she took back, he came forward until she reached the footboard, had no more room to retreat from those sexy, smoldering eyes. Sheldon usually sipped from her eyes, taking her in a bit at a time. Now, it felt as if he was gorging on her gaze. And still ravenous.  
She felt a moment of fear, and broke eye contact. Then he was there; his hands cupped her face and brought her eyes to his. He smiled, and was again her Sheldon, her sweet baboo.  
She smiled back at him, and he leaned forward until his lips just whispered upon her own. Then stopped.  
‘He’s waiting for me,’ she realized. ‘Sheldon doesn’t want to scare me. Oh, this man…’  
She lifted to her toes and opened her mouth to him fully, pressing her body against his, and he came alive. His hands stroked her arms, her back, her shoulders. His tongue explored, his lips sucked until hers were swollen, then his mouth was on her neck, her earlobe, his breath hot and labored.  
She felt his hand rise from her waist to rub across her side, then continued up her ribcage until settling over her breast. He pulled back to look at her, and she smiled, thinking, ‘congrats, Cooper, second base at last’. He smiled at her briefly, then down in wonder at his hand as it cupped and squeezed. His head jerked back to her face and those eyes, burning… Sheldon removed Amy’s glasses and set them on his night stand. She felt his hands at her waist again, then her sweater was pulled over her head and his hands were deftly working down the buttons of her shirt. He pushed the now-open shirt off her shoulders, leaving only her undershirt. Then that was gone, as well, and Sheldon’s hands were on her almost-bare breasts.  
‘Sheldon’s hands! My breasts!’ She needed to touch him. She steeled herself against the thought of him flinching back from her, then put her hands under his shirts and raised them to his shoulders where, instead of pulling back, Sheldon took over, tearing them from his body and tossing them aside like useless rubbish.  
He stood there for a moment, a step away, memorizing her body. Suddenly, Sheldon dropped to his knees in front of Amy. He worked the button of her skirt, then looked up at her as he slowly lowered the zipper. Amy shivered.  
‘He’s taking off my clothes. This is happening. Sheldon is taking off my clothes. And watching me as he does it.’  
He pulled the skirt down her hips and pushed it away as she stepped out. Still on his knees, Sheldon bent deeply, put his hand on her foot and lifted. She used his shoulders for balance as he removed her shoes, then placed small kisses on the top of each of Amy’s feet. Amy stared in wonder at the man below her. He rose, placing the same whisper-kisses on each of her knees, then kissed her stomach just below the navel. Amy shivered, recovering in time to see Sheldon looking at her with his head to one side. In her head, Amy could hear him say, ‘fascinating’.  
He stood again, trailing kisses up her abdomen to the swells above her bra line. Seeing the clasp between the two cups, he smiled, and the bra was gone, replaced by his warm hands. Amy felt her nipples harden as his thumbs found them and began circling, his hands cupping her breasts. Emboldened, she began to undo his pants, but was distracted by what he was doing with those thumbs…  
After a few fumbling seconds, his hands replaced hers and he stripped his remaining clothing- socks, shoes, pants, and underwear, kicking it all away from his body and returning to her. His arms encircled her, nothing separating them but a single pair of panties. The stood breathing each other in.  
“Amy.”  
“Sheldon.”  
“I love you.”  
“I love you.”  
***  
From the first touch of Amy’s breast through her white cotton bra, Sheldon knew life as he knew it was over. Why was he afraid of these marvelous creations? They were better than any stress ball, any hacky-sack, and they were part of the goddess standing here before him. He needed more of them. ‘Wait, don’t break her glasses. Ah, it’s dark in here, anyway. There we go, now where was I? Sweater- be gone! Buttons, shirt, undershirt- all gone! There… goddess.’  
The goddess wanted his shirts gone, so gone they were! He paused to run his gaze across her. Too much clothing! He ached to worship her fully. He dropped to her knees, supplicated before her feminine divinity.  
He watched her face as removed her skirt, forcing himself to slow, to savor. Amy looked down at him with astonishment. Skirt gone (‘Gone!’), he ached to worship her the way in which she deserved. Light-years beyond caring any longer about his insignificant neuroses, he gently removed each shoe, and then kissed her feet with all the reverence in his exploding heart. He kissed her knees and saw the look of wonder on her face as he rose. Still on his knees, he kept his eyes on hers as he hesitantly kissed the soft skin of her belly above the waist of her panties. When his lips touched her, he felt her shudder and thought, ‘fascinating’.  
He wanted to kiss every inch of her. He stood, started to move his hands to her back to find her bra clasp, then saw it there between her perfect breasts.  
‘An elementary clasp like that is no match for this scientific mind- gone!’  
And then they were fully in his hands, so soft and warm, so perfect. His thumbs found her nipples and he began experimenting on what movements produced the most satisfying groans from his beloved.  
He felt her hands fumbling at his pants, but she was taking forever… ‘What could be taking so long? I had a sweater, two shirts, and your bra off in this amount of time.’  
Sheldon realized that not only was his need growing stronger, he was impatient with it.  
Shoes, socks - gone! Pants- gone! What the hell-if I’m in this, then I’m in! Underwear- gone!  
And he was naked in front of her. And he didn’t care. All he cared about was being close to her again.  
Sheldon wrapped his arms around his girlfriend, holding her safely against his body, breathing apples and soap and Amy.  
“Amy.”  
“Sheldon.”  
“I love you.”  
“I love you.”  
That was all he needed to hear, and all he needed her to know. He heard her love in her voice. She had felt his, and believed. He knew he could stop now, just hold her through the night, and their life would continue its happy coexistence. There were no more expectations, no more doubts.  
He still needed to make love to her. Not to keep her from leaving. Not because she (and everyone) expected it. Not even to prove anything to himself. He needed her like air, like food…  
‘Maybe Maslow got it right, after all…’  
He leaned down and kissed her softly, like a date night goodbye kiss, except his hands moved down from her waist, taking her panties with them. He broke the kiss, but maintained eye contact as he lowered them to the floor. She stepped out of them, and he stepped back, basking in her magnificence.  
“My goddess…”  
Amy’s eyes again widened, and then lowered. Slowly, she stepped back, letting her body fall onto the bed. Shelden’s eyes widened, as well, as she lay before him like marble made flesh.  
His erection was standing in full glory, and her eyes were taking it in. Sheldon never conceived that Amy looking at him like that would drive him wild, and he was unprepared for the wave of emotion that broke across his being. He made himself move slowly as he crawled to wear she lay, placing one knee between her own, urging her legs apart.  
He had made it! He was here, his naked body pressed against her own, and he was fine with it. No, more- he was reveling in it! There was worry, that constant co-pilot, but Sheldon was having an easy time ignoring those irrational doubts, and Amy was making it clear that he was doing everything so, so right. Here, as close to another person physically and emotionally, he felt as free as he’d even been. Amy had freed him.  
***  
“My goddess…”  
Amy felt her whole body melting at those words. ‘Goddess…?’ She saw his eyes, and the blazing became real for her, as well. He really did see her as a goddess. She found herself brazenly lying back, allowing his eyes to roam across her body. This man adored her, and- ‘oh my god oh my god that’s part of Sheldon?’  
As he came to rest on top of her, his left leg between her two, supporting himself on his right arm, she took a deep breath and just stared at Sheldon. He was so at ease, so confidant. Does he know how proud she is of him? She smiled up at him, and he collapsed upon her shoulder with what sounded like a sob.  
Amy was about to ask him if he was alright when she felt his lips graze her neck just below her ear. She made a small sound and his pressure intensified until he was licking and sucking a path down her breastbone. His left hand enveloped her breast as his fingers teased and played with its tip. His lips found her other nipple and Amy arched reflexively up into him. As he sucked and licked, she felt his left hand leave her breast and begin traveling down… down… ‘Oh, my…’  
He caressed down her hips, the outside of her thigh, to her knee, then back up the inside, and ended where it met the other leg. He cupped gently and, Amy thought, with the slightest hesitation, as he came up even to her face and questioned her with his eyes. Amy moaned and nodded, and his finger slid up from the bottom of her opening, between her folds, and came to rest at her most sensitive place.  
“Oh, Amy… you are so wet and smooth.”  
No electrodes, or electric tooth brushes, could prepare her for his touch. ‘Sheldon must have done some research, because he had no trouble finding that.’ Each quiver of her body increased his friction and speed the slightest bit until she was quaking and unable to think. Then he slowed almost completely. She opened her eyes to him watching her face. She blushed, but her traitor hips bucked into his hand as he flicked his fingers once, then again. He smiled his ‘I am master of the universe’ smile and she thought, ‘And this is both of our first times? How much better does this get?’  
***  
He was nervous to touch her there, but didn’t know why. He had done his research. Not like the porn Wolowitz had tried to force upon him so long ago; he had found reputable, scientific sites. Although, sometimes he had to shower after visiting them, thinking of touching Amy those ways, wondering how her body would react.  
And here he was, and she was nodding, and then his finger was exploring the great unknown. Her texture astounded him, like wet silk, and before he knew it, he was moaning, “Oh, Amy... You are so wet and smooth,” and what is this here? Is this where you hide, you shy little pleasure bringer, you?  
Spurred on by her reaction, Sheldon lost his nerves and began to read her body, picking up the clues as to how to move next, listening to the rhythm of her hips. She was beginning to quake, and Sheldon could feel that she was more than ready to accept him. He lingered another moment, rejoicing in how he could make her body react, then slowly removed his hand. He came to rest on his elbows and lifted his right leg, bringing it down with the other, between her own. He could feel her adjusting to him, drawing her legs apart to accommodate him. He moved until he was pressed against her entrance, kissed her gently, and asked, “yes?”  
Amy smiled. “Yes.”  
Sheldon pushed forward. “Yes…”  
And he was home.  
They rocked together, lost in their world of union, for centuries. Neither had neared imagining the flood of sensations, of emotions, of safety and perfection that was possible and now happening to them. Neither wanted it ever stop. Then, the rhythm increased its tempo seemingly on its own, and Amy felt the spiraling in her abdomen that signaled release. She flowed with it, and Sheldon kept up until she was grasping him so firmly that he couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything but ride along with her orgasm. As she tensed and tightened down on him, the pressure became unbearable and, with one final thrust, he joined her in what felt like the most beautiful of deaths.


End file.
